Friday, November 6, 2009

A Surprise Moment of Grief

Last week I had a doctor's appointment that resulted in a blood test and an ultrasound that would determine whether or not I would need to have a hysterectomy. I'm only 35 years old, so that was a little bit of a shock to me. Needless to say, the tests results were good and at this time, no surgery is necessary.

The part that bothered me, however, was the reaction I had to the possibility of losing my uterus. We've struggled with infertility for several years. I know and understand the probability of us getting pregnant is next to impossible. I also would be lying if I said that every month when the reality of my non-pregnant state is apparent that I don't feel a little twinge (sometimes a lot) of grief.

Even though, I know that it is seemingly impossible for us to get pregnant, I also know that God is capable of whatever He chooses. Luke 1:37 says that "nothing is impossible with God." I know, though, that He cannot do that if I don't have a uterus. All of these feelings hit me as a complete surprise. I wasn't anticipating the depth at which I would feel grief about the permanent state of that surgery. It seems like my grief is below the surface most of the time anymore. This situation definitely made it rise very quickly. I guess this is just unfortunately the evidence that the pain of infertility is always present.